I Love You Lopunny
by StupidSequel
Summary: While Brock is focusing on his romantic relationship with Lopunny, Ash loses endlessly and mercilessly against Lenora's Watchog, no matter what Pokemon he uses.


**I love you Lopunny**

Brock had met up with Ash, Iris, and the other guy, holding a map in his hands since he is definitely not part of the Unova twerp gang. They were all in Nacrene City.

"Ash, I need to talk to you. It's an emergency. I need to know how to talk to girls I fancy. Every time I try, Misty and whoever all have to be Nazis and pull me away by my ear." He turned his head. Ash could see a bloody stump where his right ear used to be. "One day I met the girl of my dreams, but Misty pulled me by the ear a little too hard, enough to yank it off. Damn, it hurt like hell. I'm sick of it! I need to know the right way." Ash doused the lit end of his cigarette on his tongue and dropped it to the ground.

"Wanna know something? I'm 25 years old and I've never been kissed, never been out on a date, never had a girlfriend. Sorry, I'm the wrong person to ask," Ash confessed. Iris had a look of discomfort on her face.

"Are you a pedophile?" She asked Ash.

"No, I'm a Mormon," Ash replied.

"Anyway," Ash continued as he pulled out another cigarette and lit it. "I have had a romantic relation with Pikachu. I almost died a few times cuz my other Pokemon got jealous and used their most devastating attacks on me."

"Thank you," Brock sped off. He was in search of a Pokemon to fall in love with since he couldn't get a human girlfriend.

He decided to fly all over the different regions on his Onix and while in Sinnoh, he got aroused by a wild Lopunny. He weakened it with his Conkeldurr before throwing a master ball at it. The Lopunny stayed in every wiggle. Congratulations! Brock caught a Lopunny. Lopunny's data has been added to the Pokedex. "Lopunny, the Playboy Pokemon. Lopunny is the result of a sexy curvy supermodel mating with a rabbit. Let's just say it's no coincidence that Jessica Rabbit from the movie Roger Rabbit and Lopunny are both Miss Fanservice. It is a fact that Lopunny is totally hawt." Brock's Pokedex beeped. Brock sent out Lopunny and ordered it to use attract on him. Brock instantly fell in love. Now they could be together forever. But first he had to settle something once and for all.

"Hey Misty, me and Lopunny are dating now."

"That's cool," Misty said casually, with not much emotion.

"So you're not gonna drag me by my left ear?"

"Nope."

"And you're not just saying that because of the time you pulled my ear off?"

"That's right."

Brock wasn't sure he believed her, so he found a Jenny and hit on her. Misty prepared to pull him by his left ear.

"Just as I thought. She only pulls me by my ear if I hit on a human, but if it's a Pokemon, then it's A-OK. So Misty, why is it okay for me to hit on Pokemon, but if it's a human, then you have to drag me away?"

"Well, you're always talking about wanting to be a Pokemon Breeder, and I believe you can do it, don't let any human stand in your way. Every time I see you flirting with another human girl, maybe I think of you as somewhat incompetent."

Meanwhile, Ash was battling Lenora with whatever team of Pokemon he has during the Best Wishes arc at that point. The match was going oh so smoothly, until this happened:

"Watchog, use retaliate," Lenora commanded. Ash's last Pokemon had gotten knocked out. Well, he was only allowed to use only two.

"(Insert name of one of his BW team) is unable to battle. Watchog wins this round. And not only that, but the winner of the match is Lenora."

"You think you could beat me using those puny wimpy unevolved Pokemon? Dude you are as dumb as you are dumb! Why don't you ever evolve anything? You could actually win for once," Lenora taunted. "Just to make it fair, from now on you can use a full team against me instead of just two Pokemon."

"Why don't you suck my dick?" Ash spat. Lenora was really angry now.

"Why don't you stop with those harsh remarks, nigga? That is, if you want to challenge me again."

"I'm sorry, nigga-" Ash started, but Lenora interrupted.

"That's MY word! I can use it cuz I'm black. You can't use it cuz you're not black!"

"What? That's totally unfair!" Ash pouted.

"If you don't want to accept it, then maybe you don't have to ever rematch me."

"Would you mind me saying the word wigga and tell you you can't use it since you're black?"

"Well, it's only fair. No, I would not mind at all."

"Good. I'll see you when I get stronger Pokemon."

Brock and Lopunny went out on a date to ride the Battle Subway, ride across Sky Arrow Bridge, and cruise on the Royal Unova. While on the Royal Unova...

"Lopunny, will you take my hand in marriage?" Brock popped the question.

"Yes, I will," Lopunny said in her own little Pokemon language. So the pastor of the Official Church of Arceus wed Brock and Lopunny in the world's first wedding involving a Pokemon and a human. And they had a beautiful baby Buneary. Well, as beautiful as you would consider a Harlequin baby to be. This was also the first ever case of a Pokemon having Harlequin baby syndrome (if you don't know what a Harlequin baby is, do a Google image search, but I must warn you, it is high octane nightmare fuel).

"There's something off about that baby Buneary," Brock observed. It had large, red, everted eyelids and brown scaly, crackly, thick dry skin. "I got it! It's a lizard!"

"You idiot! That Lopunny has harlequin ichthyosis," Lopunny corrected.

"That's not how I wanted my first day as a Pokemon breeder to go!" Brock said angrily while slamming his fists down on the ground. "Arceus, you've just made yourself an enemy not to be reckoned with."

Ash flew all the way to Pallet Town on his Pikachu and set up a cloning lab in his room, but not without catching two Arceuses first, weakening them with his shiny Mew. He had gotten out the blueprints that he stole from Team Rocket and Team Plasma. They were instructions on creating Mewtwo and Genesect, two of the most powerful Pokemon ever. So he followed the instructions exactly to avoid any explosions, or worse, a chance of not being able to beat Lenora's Watchog (I will spare you all the boring details.) The operation was a success! Ash had succeeded in creating his very own Mewtwo and Genesect. Just for good measure, he decided to do it again so he would have a team full of legendaries and experiments.

Ash took his team of Arceuses, Mewtwos, and Genesects, and went to go challenge Lenora one more time.

"Go, Herdier," she called. Ash felt sure that if he promised to accept the Mark of the Beast if he lost, he would feel safe, and that's if he had to keep his promise.

"Go, Genesect," Ash sent out his Genesect. Genesect shot a laser out of its back and aimed it at Herdier, instantly KO'ing it. Actually since it was now no more than a pile of burnt ashes, it was actually dead. Lenora had to pick her jaw up off the floor, but she regained her determined face and sent out her Watchog.

"Watchog, use retaliate," Lenora commanded. Watchog's retaliate easily knocked out Ash's Genesect.

"Genesect is unable to battle," the referee declared. Ash sent out his other Genesect, which met the same fate. Next up was Arceus. Watchog didn't even budge at Arceus's strongest attack and easily KO'ed it with retaliate. Ash was basically fucked. Everytime Ash sent out one of his ubers, it was immediately knocked out by Watchog's retaliate. His other Arceus and his two Mewtwos also met the same fate, not being given a chance for their attacks to connect. Ash had lost the game. Again.

"Fuck you wigga!" Ash said to Lenora while giving her the finger on both of his hands and moving them up and down, like Homer did in the Simpsons Movie. He tore off his shirt to reveal a fine muscular upper body and midsection, completely ignoring the 'no shirt, no pants, no service' sign.

Brock decided to go to the Church of Arceus for answers. He started praying.

"Dear Arceus. You don't know who the fuck you're messin with when you decide to make my first day as a Pokemon breeder end in disaster by giving us this disfigured baby Buneary. Why?" As if on cue, Arceus appeared to him, up close and personal.

"Dude, what were you doing, mating with another Pokemon?" Arceus scolded.

"I had to, or else Misty was gonna pull my ear off, like she did with my right ear."

"That harlequin Buneary was a punishment. You're destined to be single your whole life, unless you don't let it die, but it's gonna be very hard."

The next day, Ash was ready to challenge Lenora again, this time with a team of Spiritomb that all have wonderguard and their movesets are focus blast, cross chop, retaliate, and minimize, and they're holding leftovers.

"If I lose this time, I promise I will worship Satan from now on, and allow myself to be damned to hell. Okay, game on!" Ash said. He figured that his team of uber ghost types would not even get touched by Lenora's normal types, and since the Spiritomb all had wonderguard, and neither of Lenora's Pokemon had any super-effective attacks due to Spiritomb having no weakness, victory was imminent. Or so it seemed. After Lenora's Herdier was knocked out...

"Watchog, use retaliate!" Watchog easily obliterated Ash's team of six Spiritombs using six retaliates.

"How? But normal types can't even touch ghost types, and my ghost types all have wonder guard! I call shenanigans! I don't see how it's even legal for a gym leader to be impossible! I thought gym leaders were supposed to be possible to beat," Ash pouted.

"I am possible to beat. Ever thought of using a fighting type? You do know they're super effective against normal types, right?" Lenora immediately covered her mouth with her hands after she said that. Ash didn't own any fighting types, and he didn't think about catching one. Until now.

"I CAUGHT A TERRAKION!" Ash said while holding a Pokeball out in front of the screen. Then he caught five more.

BAM! Watchog's retaliate easily knocked out all six of Ash's Terrakions.

"Arceus dammit! Fuck this shit!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Lenora demanded as Ash walked over to where Lenora kept her badges to give to trainers. He stole a basic badge out of the case and ran out the gym with it.

"I GOT A BASIC BADGE!" Ash said while holding it out in front of himself. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater.

Brock was researching harlequin baby syndrome and how the skin must be kept moist. _Piece of cake. _So he caught a Wailord, duct taped its throat and mouth shut, put a lifetime of Buneary food inside the Wailord's mouth, and then stuffed the harlequin Buneary inside the Wailord's mouth. Yes, he did all that in the specified order. Now he and Lopunny could enjoy all the dates in the world now that the inside of Wailord's mouth could keep the harlequin baby perpetually moist. Ash caught up to them.

"Hey everyone, take a look! I got the Basic Badge from Lenora! Now we can travel to Castelia. Our hands are pretty much tied because Unova is a snake, basically, and we always fought the gyms in the same order as the games."

"Brock sure outsmarted me," said Arceus.


End file.
